Makin' Knit

I have started to string good days together. Every day this week has been pretty good in fact. Haven’t walked any more than absolutely necessary because I still need my crutch for balance. But I’m feeling more at peace about even that.
Tomorrow is my set to with the new doc to tell him that either he comes up with another new regimen that manages my selling and inflammation better, or I’m going to go back to the old regimen with or without his approval. I think I may be sorry I didn’t stay with the old docs even though they were hard to get to. They would all just do what I told them and write the *damn* prescriptions, instead of being independent minded. The problem is that I really do need him to write my methotrexate and prednisone prescriptions. You really can’t get those without one.
I haven’t done even one more stitch of knitting since Monday, but I have done other things: like play in the garden, and get to my Italian class, so I have an excuse. I’m planning on buckling down and really knitting seriously for part of both days this weekend. I *need* to get those stockings done.

Last night at Knitting, Catarina mentioned that she actually does read and value what I have been saying. So that’s reason enough to keep on saying it.
I am tired and frustrated with the amount of my life that I spend tired and frustrated. I keep looking for ways to make permanent improvements. And I am feeling like there really aren’t permanent improvements to be made. Every day I am a little bit older, and therefore a tiny bit less capable. That simply is a fact. My rheumatoid arthritis is not going to go away or even get substantially better. That simply is another fact.
The trick that I am looking for is to accept those facts without letting them stress, depress, and discourage me. After all, they are simply a sampling of the countless facts of which my life is composed. Other equally germane facts are that I am much loved by a good man, that even at Knitting, I am surrounded by people who like and care for me, and that some days, like today are brilliant blue-sky, glad to be alive days.
So at least for one day, the story is about choosing which particular facts I want to attend to: the good news, or the bad news.
And that actually brings me roundabout to the topic of Pollyanna. I do not wish to be a Pollyanna, who pretends that life is always pink ribbons, rainbows and fluffy white clouds in a lapis lazuli sky. I do want to be clear-headed and clear-eyed and to attend to the good news about my life rather than the bad.
And for the first time in a very long time, there is actual knitting content in this blog. I have started on the crash project to do Christmas stockings for Nancy and Sonny, both to thank her for her magnum opus bedspread but also to give her a gift before she is too ill to appreciate it. I am doing them Portuguese style with the yarn around my neck. And I really like it. It’s easier on my hands because it doesn’t use the fingers that get numb, and it appears to be faster, and much much easier to maintain reasonable tension with multiple colors. The one I am working on is going well, and I have a purpose for doing it, and am enjoying it so life is good. Pix to follow.

I am better today than yesterday, and better yesterday than the day before. I still can’t really walk for exercise, because it’s too hard to keep my balance without a crutch. But my hands are working, and hardly numb at all. I don’t understand quite why my hands would be so much better than my feet. But I am grateful that they are.

I am trying very hard not to be discouraged but I am definitely sick again. Yesterday I couldn’t walk and could barely use my hands. Today I can kind of walk and can feel my hands even if they’re not particularly well coordinated. I am hoping that one more day of doing nothing will help.

Since yesterday neither one has worked well. Dunno what’s up with that. I’ll try the stationary bike laster today and see if that helps.
No word from the cardiologists about whether I’m OK to have replacement surgery.

Truly glorious, I’m so grateful to live here type weather this morning, and yesterday. I’m feeling a lot better now that the thallium stress test is over with. I haven’t heard whether I passed, but I am more confident that I’ll be OK either way. I’m going to call and schedule the surgery after I talk it over with my boss. It’ll be probably the second week of June.
I walked twice on Monday and on Tuesday, but not at all yesterday. I gave myself a free day because of the test.
I forgot to take my morning pills today, but am feeling surprisingly OK without the NSAID. Things are swollen and stiffer than usual, but I’m not really in any pain to speak of. Reassuring.

I didn’t “exercise” this weekend. I really worked in the yard though. And that felt great and very productive. I planted two kinds of carrots, cabbage, 4 kinds of potatoes, 2 kinds of turnips, peas, and 4 kinds of onions. I planted 2 kinds of sweet peas, and purple morning glories, I also tackled our enormously overgrown St. Catherine’s Lace bush. Much more remains to be done to discipline it properly. But that can happen next weekend or maybe even during the week.
I rode the stationary bike this morning this morning, and certainly will walk on this beautiful day.

So here’s what’s on my mind today.

1. I think that what I am writing these days is of very little interest to anyone but me. But I think the important point is to develop the habit of writing; to contribute something each day. I suspect that as the habit develops the quality of the information will improve.
2. I want to encourage myself to be more active on every front, and writing here consistently is one piece of that.
3. I get lots of points for being nice to the neighbor, walking across the street to chat and helping her with her trash cans. That is a major new behavior of the kind I’m trying to encourage.
4. I have begun to formulate a vision of the kind of job I want going forward, and have at least one positive step I can take identified.
5. I am frightened about my thallium stress test next Wednesday. I am afraid that they will tell me that my heart is too bad for knee replacement surgery. If that’s what they say, I will simply have to be more disciplined about exercise and keep checking.
6. I have done well with exercise this week. Did at least one 20 minute stint every day. And today at 10:30 I’ve already done 2. I rode the stationary bike while J was on the treadmill. And I walked to work from BART in the rain and wind.
7. I AM SICK OF THE RAIN AND COLD. I WANT SOME WARM DRY WEATHER NOW! So there.
   

Since the last entry I’ve hardly exercised or knitted at all. I am feeling better, all better in fact except for some lingering carpal tunnel numbness in my hands. But the psychic weather is still turbulent, and that makes it hard for me to settle down and focus. And that makes it hard for me to do simple things like exercise and knit.
The sources of turbulence are:

1. My job–I have a persistently bad attitude, and feel like all I want to do is have a tantrum: call people names, tell them all they’re stupid and their mother dresses them funny, and walk out. Obviously that can’t happen. So another way has to be found. I am struggling with this.
2. The yard–I tend to feel overwhelmed, like what I’ve been able to get done is not good enough.
3. My health–I am freaked out about the trouble with my hands, and my abnormal EKG, and having my knee replaced. It’s taking half of forever to even get cardiological approval for the surgery.
4. Money– we are spending so much. Not more than we have, not even everything we have, in fact, because we have a lot. But we are spending enough to make me uncomfortable. It feels kind of karmically wrong.

I suppose there’s some good in writing this stuff all down.
I did ride the exercycle for 20 minutes this morning while J was on the treadmill. And the jeans I am wearing are looser than they used to be. Both of those are good things.

I walked from BART to work, and then I made myself walk home from the Concord BART station, because I hadn’t managed to walk the mid-day tour.